Its been a while since that heartbreakingdreamssmashing day last year and I must say things are so incredibly different now. Much has changed. I have changed, in more ways than one. Results were out on friday. Waited with a heart that really anticipated the best, and when I mean the best I mean grades that could potentially give me a shot in applying for law but it didn't turn out the way I wanted it to be.

Can't say that I did horrifically, I mean with the grades I got last year, nothing much can actually beat that but nonetheless I did expect it to be a little better. 

To be honest, up till now I do feel really downcast and pretty disheartened with what I got and I think as the days pass it gets worse. These bouts of unhappiness and waves of discontent with my lack of ability to get more A's do bring me down quite a bit and I think I was so consumed with that thought this morning it really did tear me apart. Sometimes, I wonder if my friends actually understand my anguish.

That uncontrollable heart wrenching feeling where you feel your heartstrings being tugged so hard the hurt just shoots right through your entire body. The nagging knowledge of having trying so hard and yet not being able to achieve what I have set out to do. The miserable feeling overwhelming my entire being, reminding myself of how, I have once again failed myself. 

I hate crying in public but I think the pressure this morning was a little too much for me to handle and the inevitable happened. Thinking about my grades really makes me feel so torn up within myself and it broke me.

I know that grades do not determine who I am but getting what I got made it feel like I have failed myself because I didn't use to be so, mediocre. I have to let these passive thoughts slide me by and trust me I really am trying. I keep reminding myself how God has a perfect plan for me, but sometimes it just is so hard to genuinely believe it.

One thing for certain though is that I am not going to stop giving thanks, because while I may be complaining and brooding over my mediocre grades, He has so abundantly blessed me with many people who care and love me so much for who I am, and I couldn't be any luckier. 

What I do now know is that I won't let the extra year I took to get into uni to pass in vain. This whole 'lack of consistency' is something of the past and to break out of this monotonous cycle of mediocrity I have to remain focused to achieve what I want. The only thing standing between my goal and I is simply myself and I believe that if I want it badly enough I will fight to get it. 

'Come to the edge.'

'Come to the edge.'

'And they came,'

He pushed them,

And they flew.

'For I know the plans I have for you, ' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.' - Jeremiah 29:11

And I shall call on to that promise as the days go on. Trust in God's plans and stop being overwhelmed with what I want for myself. *REALLY TRYING HERE!!!!* 

Oh, and this officially marks the end of my A level journey!!! Whopppeddoooooo <3<3<3