OFC they are like many others who have been a blessing to me! (: I didn't forget you. Will be doing it over the course of this week! Haha. But here are the ones who have really made a difference. Love you guys! <3<3<3

PS Basically, if you can find your picture on my blog, it just means you've impacted me greatly (:

P.P.S LEESEE, PEIHWEE AND CEDAR CELL, I've got to find the pics so wait <3

Okay so I thought it was all going to be beautiful and that maybe just finally what we had expected might have the chance of happening. I kind of feel like a fool now. And I just feel as though I have been brought on this spin. I nearly let you be in control of my feelings, but I guess I'm glad I didn't. I think whatever that has been happening these few months will finally come to a standstill. You said something but I guess you just say that to everybody you meet along the way? Perhaps. You won't ever imagine how I can ever feel. Its a mixture of disbelief, regret, sadness and pain. I really thought we was all going to be pretty cool but I guess I just had to push it. Push you to see for myself what you were really like. I wanted to believe, but somehow I knew that if I didn't do this, I would regret it in the near future. And my near future means A's. I can't afford to regret during the year of my A's. I guess I'm disappointed, to say the least. But do I even have that right to be disappointed? I guess I do.

I remembered quite a few months back how everything sank when you told me that you _____. Do you know how hard it was to push myself away because you had that thing going on and I didn't want anything to hinder you from getting ___. I thought I could be magnanimous and watch as it unfolded infront of me. Then after so many freaking months just as I finally tried reasoning myself away from you you had to come right back and not just right back but throw me into this land of fairies and very beautiful words. You said you cared alot and that you loved me. But do you really care? Have you ever spared a real real thought for me? Even if it were like what you said just before I left, if you thought it was just another ***sh you were having on me, why use such real words on me? Its like I really thought. Oh, I don't know. Maybe it was just my wishful thinking. Actually not maybe, I know now it is.

Suddenly, I fear that everything you said to me wasn't ever for me and that I just so happened to be conveniently placed there you just had too much emotions in you for somebody else and you had to get it out so it just got let out on me. In the beginning I told myself it was just sweet talk, but it was you and I got myself blinded so quickly. It hurts me to say this because I really believed some of the things you said and that kept me really happy. I think you're right, I'm so silly.

Vic is so going to hit my last brain cell out.

I don't know if I should feel cheated. Because like we were never into anything. But I do. I feel like I have been toyed and that is not a nice feeling at all. Maybe what I'm supposed to do is to really get over you and to start 2010 away from you. Tell me if its true cos I don't think I want to.

Dear God,
You know how it hurts for me to have understood this. Actually I still don't. I told you to give me a way to tell me. Was it this way? Why did you have to be so harsh about it. Was there no other way? But why is it that you never did tell me earlier on. Or was I just not listening. But I don't think so Lord. Its like you have given this friendship so much beauty and wholesome love. I don't know how to feel or think any longer. Dear Lord, I really don't know how to play this anymore. Its not even a game because I care too much. I should just stop caring so much right? Maybe its just me. I just can't freaking let go. Lord, if its your will, teach me to let go, tell me how I should go about handling this. You know I need you. I really do. It hurts and I'm tired of pretending it never did. I love you Lord. I really do. I'm hurting real badly, and I need you to heal that hurt.
Amen,
Van.

I can't believe the thing I did because of you. I don't think I would ever tell you what it was. But to that person, I'm sorry. I really am but I couldn't deceive myself. It would have been worse off.

I'm sure when you read this you will know I'm talking about you and most of that shouldn't come as a surprise to you.

I've taken like 2 hours to type this. I feel exhausted. Both my girl bestfriends are feeling terrible too. Its going to be a long day today.

Because its you I believe you never did have the real intention of hurting me. You just don't know it. But you've been one of the reasons I cried so much this year. If you don't care, please let go of me. 

THIS SHOW IS LIKE SO GOOD. I WATCHED IT TWICE.

First time was with like the best friend. OMG LUH. THE CHIPMUNKS WERE SO CUTE. I CANT STAND IT. I was like smiling to myself the whole entire show. Best thing was the best friend was so totally into the show we were like squealing (OKAY FINE, MORE ME THAN HER) Hahaha. OMG. I WOULD TOTALLY MARRY ONE OF THEM. (OKAY, MAYBE NOT, BUT YOU GET THE IDEA)

Watched it another time with some random person. Hahahahaha. Thanks for wanting to watch what I wanted too! Haha. YOU'RE AWESOME FOR THAT 1.5 HRS (: Haha. Its so much better than winx club! Hahaha. Yay! (:

*wake me up and tell me all these aren't a dream*

HELLO FROM SINGAPORE.

TO THE FREAK WHO LEFT ME IN SG ALL ALONE:

Merry Christmas! Though you'll only see this when you get back. Doubt you'll realise the hotel you go to probably will have free wireless around. Anyway, come back quickly there's so much to do before sch starts. Shinwhoo rocks, and may your KL trip be fun and not... LTC-ish. 

With love,
Rarh!

Labels: Y.Z.N.

Watched that in 3D today! Hahaha. The animation's really good and they have like very very very pretty purple pink flowers and like, you know, it seems like some magical forest I never knew about. Haha. AND ZOMG, this show is so long but it wasn't like boring so I guess it was better than alright! Haha. The cinema is super cool though. Haha.

Anyway, dear friends, I'm like leaving for holiday tomorrow! Haha. I just got to know it today. As usual. We haven't packed yet. But I'm like so not surprised. This happens every year, I think the parentals have mastered the art of last minute packing! Hahaha.

Alright! Today's a happy day! (: Haha. Its like dance and music coordinated alittle better than usual! Haha. Whooo <3 Life has been good these few days (apart from the stolen phone and the quarrels with you) and I'm embracing it (: Today is the day I'm supposed to leave for AUSTHELANDOFTALLANDBEAUTIFULPEOPLE, but like its cancelled. So maybe I will get more studying and dancing done. Hahaha. Its fun (:

Okayy darlings, I got my new sim card. So when its activated, I will like mass message all of you of my existence. Haha.

Missing A12 very very very very very much. We're so cool it makes people drool. Hahahah. Okay, whatever, ignore me. I just feel happy today! (:

Sigh you know what, (okay i know i'm having the monologue thing again) I kinda enjoy not having a phone. Haha. Yupp I mean its weird right, coming from me. But somehow, without the phone, all my problems just disappear. But then again, its kinda like I'm running away from everything. Oh well I NEEDED THAT BREAK ANYWAY. Haha. But anyway, I'm eggcited to have an activated SIM caardd!!

On a totally side and random note, I have been spending alot of time in bugis lately. Hahaha. I'm so not a Bugis kinda girl, whatever that may mean, but the past few days have kinda made me into one. THERE'S DIVA AND ALDO IN BUGIS. OH OH AND MUJI TOO. I mean its quite small. But I never knew they existed there! Haha.

Anywayy, I'm going to do this awesome thing for mummy and daddy! (: Hope they like it <3

To you:
I guess its my fault too. I shouldn't have been so short fused with you ytd. But you were really being mean and I didn't need that. I just needed someone to cheer me up because like I felt sad having my phone stolen. That was why you were one of the first few ppl I told! ): Plus you saying all those stuff about me being well off and therefore seeing no need to look after my stuff was really uncalled for and I can't stand it when people question my character because I take much pride in that. I guess that was what made me so pissed. Anyway, I hate having to constantly squabble with you and I don't like how we are always doing it now. IMTWWUTB ):

All we ever do these few days is quarrel. I don't like it ):

OKAY SO LIKE I WAS GOING TO BE SUPER HAPPY BECAUSE LIKE I CAN FINALLY KINDA COORDINATE THE DANCING WITH THE MUSIC. BUT NO. I JUST HAD TO LOSE MY PHONE. AND LIKE NOT LOSE BUT TO GET IT STOLEN. SHDBVCISHBVIEVEAK. SERIOUSLY. HOW GREEDY AND DESPERATE CAN SINGAPOREANS GET. I MEAN LIKE I VKHF VKELJA BVRJO;R!!!!!!!!

So like I put it in the front pocket of my bag annd freaking zipped it up but like when I checked the next the bag was like unzipped and the phone gone. Like asidheivubebveuvbnrtub! SERIOUSLY. GOSH.

But anyway, thanks YVONNE for like calling my phone numerous times in desperate attempts to help me. And telling me not to be so worried. Thinking of what to do next and all that. And lending me your phone for like afterward. I know you kinda knew that I wouldn't get it back anymore but like to put my mind at ease you still carried on to 'look' for it. You are awesome. Really appreciated it (: love youuu dinooo <3<3<3

and to SHERNICE. Thanks for cheering me up. I really needed that. I'm still like angry. And kinda hvbliferhbvehbfv off with the stewpid phone missing but you being there and video caming really did the thing. STILL A LITTLE ANGRY THOUGH. (but its when I suddenly drift off and think about it) Thanks dearie, love you! (:

Sometimes I feel like crying but then something else happens and  I forget what I'm supposed to feel/do. I wonder if its just me :/

And yes dearies, I'm okay. Haha. I was just like you know thinking aloud. Like like imagine if we didn't know birds had shopping centres. I know it sounds silly. But it actually isn't. Its not like we know everything about them right. RIGHT. Haha. I mean has anyone watched Bug's life/ Antz? Hahaha. I mean like yeahhh, what if just what if, whatever happens above ground also happens underground. And like we just don't know about it. OMG if that's true. The world would be so cool! Hahaha.

HELLO BEST FRIEND (: (my face looks kinda pink here hur)

REMEMBER THIS PIC! It was our third time there and we finally made it to barrage! HAHA. We lifted that curseeee. Hahaha. Thanks for being so awesome, as in seriously, always being there for me, cheering me up with your VERY DRY HUMOUR. Haha. I reallly don't know what I would do without you! Sometimes I think I need to create my own world of perfectness to survive. Its kinda sad, haha. But at least in this world of complicatedness there's you to cheer me up! Hahaha. WHEEE. IT ROCKS HAVING A DINOSAUR AS A BESTFRIEND. Anyway, I want to do a longer tribute with pics and everything but like haha. TIME CONSTRAINT. So you have to make do with this. AND I CAN'T WAIT FOR MONDAY AND FOR YOU KNOW WHICH DAY FOR ME TO GET TANNNEDDDD. Wear a dress please. So I won't be the only oneee. Oh oh and like 9 more hours before you come to my houseeeee. I can't wait! Yay you for travelling all the way to pasir ris. Hahaha. I REALLY CANT WAIT FOR MONDAY. I'M SO EGGCITIED. Oh yeah, one very important thing. SORRY FOR LEAVING YOU IN SPORE FOR XMAS! ): BUT ITS OKAY, NEW YEAR, NEW YEAR. Hahaha. WHOOO. Fetch me from the airport at 2145! (That's when i touch down. haha) CAN COUNT DOWN TOGETHER. HAHA.

Shernice just told me she thinks you are making use of me. The crazy thing is as much as I believe you that thought has actually crossed my mind. And that's what scaring me. Tell me I'm wrong. Tell me you aren't. You know I will get really hurt if it were true. 

This has got to stop now. Seriously. I need it to. Disheartened and disappointed with no one else but myself. I asked for it? I guess :/ Oh wait. Its like I'm just trying to give myself this flicker of hope. Or maybe just find an excuse to not let go. Its bad. Hurt, maybe. But then again, I think that's pretty inevitable. But then again this hurt's pretty heart wrenching. I want to let you go but I'm just too selfish. I know it.

Dear Van, 


You're one of the few people whom I know that has this much love for others. I have faith in you that you'll know what to do. It is true that I'm hurting badly, but its okay. We all learn. Pray for directions. Remember though you are hurt, you can still afford to love others. I love you too.


Van's heart. 


P.S. I can't wait for saturday! Please let it happen. I'll be really glad if it does (: Need to take my mind off all these.

Oohh and daddy bought me this hot pink Harrods pencil case. Its beauutiful <3

Yesterday's XMAS party with the children was really well done (: I'm glad they enjoyed it but sometimes I just wonder what would happen if they knew what was wrong with their families. Many of them were just so innocent and sweet, I wouldn't mind having them as my siblings. Being able to connect with them just made me feel even more for them. Hearing their full throated laughters throughout the whole event made me understand the meaning behind childlike innocence. Their smiles so genuine, I just pray they will be able to remember how to love, laugh, live the right and fulfilling way! (: Its really cute how all of them want your attention! <3  SIDESWIPE FTWWW.

OKAY. So it has been a crazy weekend, leaving me emotionally and physically drained. I guess everything has just started taking a toll on me and whatnot. I guess I just need my space. I just need to make sure that everything falls into place. But then maybe, what I have been doing wrong all these while is counting on my own strength. I guess I have to start counting on those of God.

Not forgetting how emotionally draining this whole period has been for me, I'm really thankful for Leeseee and Peihweee. Thanks for praying for me ytd when I really reached my wits end. Love you two <3

I hate having to sound so serious and sombre but I can just feel that my life has been zapped out of my whole system. Its kinda terrible.

But its okayyy! I'm much happier todayyy (: DADDY'S BACK <3<3<3 Missed him like crazyyyy. Love you daddyy <3


To you,
It hurt me so much seeing you cry today. I know its hurting you badly. Especially with what was said today. I cried too because I felt your pain. I love you dear, know that you're not in this alone. I'll be there for you. Remember that. I pray that God will get rid of the hurt and pain and restore you. I'm glad you let some out today, I would have been worried if you had just pretended nothing was wrong. Love you too (:

Sometimes When We Touch - Dan Hill


You ask me if I love you
And I choke on my reply
I'd rather hurt you honestly
Than mislead you with a lie
And who am I to judge you
On what you say or do?
I'm only just beginning to see the real you

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

Romance and all its strategy
Leaves me battling with my pride
But through the insecurity
Some tenderness survives
I'm just another writer
Still trapped within my truth
A hesitant prize fighter
Still trapped within my youth

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

At times I'd like to break you
And drive you to your knees
At times I'd like to break through
And hold you endlessly

At times I understand you
And I know how hard you've tried
I've watched while love commands you
And I've watched love pass you by

At times I think we're drifters
Still searching for a friend
A brother or a sister
But then the passion flares again

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides


I think I posted this song before. But its so beautiful and it speaks to me rather well so I lovee itt! <3
Listen to it!

This is it. Its hurting badly. I'm slowly but surely losing hope in us. With each step I take forward, I leave a part of us behind. Soon I'll not remember what its like to have even carried it. I'm tired and you know, forget it. I'm done. Its too confusing, I just don't get it.

6 out of 10 friends will tell you what you want to hear. I think I'm either lucky or just plain unlucky 9 out of 10 close friends I have won't ever do that. Of course there is still that varying degree of how truthful they will be with me. But I'm thankful that at least they are real. I believe that is what keeps me on the right track. I love them to death (:

I'm actually handling this better than expected. Never knew I could LGOF so easily. I know I can do this. Now heading back to academia (:

Nate: You have two options. One. Man up, go to war and fight the girl you love. Or just forget her. Move on to a palette cleanser. And forget her. 
Dan: So you're saying my only choices are extreme emotional vulerability with a best friend, or meaningless sex with a stanger. 
Nate: Pretty much.
Dan: Alright. 


Vanessa: Imagine if Serena had hit her head a little harder. Or the car rolled, or...
Dan: Vanessa... I love you.
Vanessa: (casually) I love you too. 
Dan: (long pause) That's not the reaction I was hoping for.
Vanessa: Dan, sometimes, when people are under emotional stress, they say things they don't realy mean.
Dan: Yeah. I think I read that somewhere. 


Chuck: My father always thought I was weak. And in the moment that mattered most I was. I couldn't be there when he.. I left. Right away. I've been pushing myself to prove him wrong, and pushing you away. 
Blair: I don't think you ran away because you couldn't handle death. I think its because you couldn't handle feelings. You're not like that anymore. You're strong. You carry people. You carry me. You're becoming a man in a way that your father never was. Come. Let's say goodbye. 

Today was crazzy funnn. Hahaha. WENT BACK TO CEDAR AT WAN THO AVENUE. ZOMG. The place is so beautifffuuulll <3 Hahaha. Yayy! So anyway, I'm doing hiphop. HAHAHA. Like seriously right. I can't believe it either. But OH WELL. ITS KINDA FUN. Okay, I'm too tired to update anything much now. But basically the day has beeen awesomee!

AND, Mummy promises a blackberry bold if I do decently for MYE. She just bought a blackberry bold and 3G IPHONE for herself! Like whatttt. Hahaha

Dinner at Cedele. Dessert at Bakerzin. I love today <3

Okay so I thought today will be weirder than I actually expected. But I guess it turned out to be rather alright (: Anyway, yes yes, we will have the most beautiful platonic friendship ever. It somehow feels good saying that. Haha. YESSS <3 Its good everything's more or less cleared. But whatever the case it doesn't matter anymore (:

Just need to refocus on some stuff, think through my priorities, reevaluate what I have YET to achieve. Set everything straight. And I will be ready to go all the way for 2010!



Dear Van <3

You have so much determination, sometimes I get so surprised with you. I guess I'm really proud of you and I'm glad you have finally settled all that crazy shit going on in your head. Right now's the time for you to really focus and get those A's you know you can achieve. EVEN FOR DREADED MATH. Oh and van, I'm really glad you have finally realised how true and strong certain friendships you have and that you are oh so lucky (: Please remember to treasure them with all your heart. Oh and van please do remember true love waits, you're in no hurry to get into anything. Now on to greater things, I have confidence in you. Just remember, believe in yourself and the sky is your limit.

Much Loves,
Van's courage!

SANTA BABY

Buh-bum.. buh-bum...
Santa baby, just slip a sable under the tree, for me
Been an awful good girl
Santa baby so hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa baby, a '54 convertible too, light blue,
I'll wait up for you dear
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight

Think of all the fun I've missed,
Think of all the fellows that I haven't kissed
Next year I could be just as good
If you check off my christmas list

Santa baby, I want a yacht and really thats not a lot
Been an angel all year
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa  honey, one little thing I really need, the deed
To a platinum mine,
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa cutie, and fill my stocking with a duplex and cheques,
Sign your x on the line
Santa cutie, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Come and trim my chirstmas  tree,
With some decorations bought at Tiffany's
I really do believe in you,
Let's see if you believe in me

Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing, a  ring,
I don't mean on the phone,
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight

Hurry down the chimney tonight
Hurry, tonight.

SEXIEST XMAS SONG I'VE HEARD. HAHA. 

My favourite song after white xmas! 

Okay! I didn't really sleep last night. Too many things happened. TOO MANNY. But as usual, I'm glad we had the talk to iron everything out. You realise we have been having 'the talks' rather frequently? Haha but I can tell you that yesterday's talk was definitely the one which we managed to clear most of the things. I don't like to sweep things under the carpet and that sort so I'm glad we managed to talk about it headon (: Haha.

 LET ME SAY THIS. We are so strange. Seriously. I can never talk that way to any other person. Especially not with that kind of content. There's still quite a substantial amount of things I want to ask/ tell you. Maybe I will end up emailing you instead. That way I can get my thoughts organized! (:

I'm glad my best friends have been talking to me. Keeping me on the right path, reminding me about everything I have said to them before. Reassuring me of my priorities and what not. I'm glad I have them.

      Amen!

<3 The key to my heart isn't as easy as you thought it would be.

I love it how I have been seeing you girls every saturday. Missed you so much you won't believe how happy I am just to see you all every week. Saturday was crazy fun. AC is so sporting, it was freaking hilarious. Make up, mask and massage in the middle of tea valley. I love it how we just go crazy <3

I pray I can go prawning with you people this wed! <3

I know I will end up making a decision that is going to make me regret and all. As soon as I sent it out, I felt instantaneously burdened, some sort i guess. I guess I'm kinda sad. Okay, maybe a little more than kind of. But we both know that this is the best solution for you. And I guess so long as you're serious about ___ I will not want to make anything any less easy for you (: Love you.

ARYM, IGUOY.TTIS

Okay. Seriously every single picture of Chuck Bass has my heart swooning after him!

Anyway today has been like crazy madness. Studied for like quite a decent amount of time. MATH DIFFERENTIATION. ZOMG. haha. 21 more days to my escapee <3


stop playing with me like that. you leave me confused