I'll survive you

Tonight the wall is coming down, I am stronger than my fears

But I'm not giving up tonight

Tonight the wall is coming down

I am stronger than my fears

This is the mountain that I climb

Got 100 steps to go

Tonight I'll make it 99

l ]

One more

Go one more

Yeah, yeah

Don't stop now

Go one more

Yeah, yeah

One more

Go one more

Yeah, yeah

By not getting up to fight

I might get used to giving up

So I am showing up tonight

I am my own enemy

The battle fought within my mind

If I can overcome step one

I can face the 99

You felt the gravity of tempered grace

Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight

Love is only true if it hurts

It doesn't hurt like it used to before

Where's the love that we couldn't ignore

It doesn't kick like a pill anymore

Where's the thrill at the end of our fights

Where's the heat when we turn off the lights

When we still have the passion to hate

I miss hurting you 'til you cry

I miss watching you as you try

Try not to end up in tears

Begging to get back together

I just want you to be

To be stuck in a second forever

So don't freak out and believe.

Missing You

I miss missing you

That’s the girl I was breathing in sin

There’s a blind force letting it win

And it’s longing to tear us apart

I get high when you’re making me weak

Let me down ’til I crawl on my knee’s

When we still have the passion to hate

I miss hurting you ’til you cry

I miss watching you as you try

Try not to end up in tear’s

Begging to get back together

I just want you to be

To be stuck in this second forever

So don’t freak out if I leave

I miss missing you

I wanna crush in your arms at the other side of the world

Miss missing, miss missing, miss missing

I wanna die for you ’cause love is only true if it hurts

I miss hurting you ’til you cry

I miss watching you as you try

Try not to end up in tear’s (ooh)

Begging to get back together (together)

I just want you to be (want you to be, yeah)

To be stuck in this second forever

So don’t freak out if I leave

Missing you (no, missing you)

I miss missing you 

There's no greater love than this

Hi friends! (: Its been a while. Today's my baby brother's birthday and I have quite a few pictures, of me in short hair! <3 Hahaha. But that will have to wait till later this week cause I have more important stuff to share! :D

Quiet time these couple of days has been pretty amazing with God speaking very clearly to me. And I am going to share it here. I sincerely hope that these verses and what it means will touch each and everyone of you just as how it has impacted me. Give God a chance to work in your lives because you never know how much he can bless you with.

On May 15, God taught me to keep my mind on track. From Ecclesiastes 5:1, keep your foot (give your mind to what you are doing). This really spoke to me because I was finding myself slipping away. My concentration level was dwindling terribly and I remembered vividly making a silent prayer to myself to stay focused. This timely reminder from God that the truth in being focused was to simply discipline my mind, breaking old habits and forming new ones which is ofc very time consuming would ultimately be worth while in the end. And I guess it is safe to say I have been working really hard on that. And dear Lord, I pray that you will help me keep to it. Do what I'm supposed to do at the correct timings. It can get so difficult, what with my blackberry which leaves me too connected to my friends, but let these things not pose as a distraction, let these things not make me their slave, but let these objects work for me instead.

On May 16, I was lamenting on how hard and terrible home study was. I mean its cool and all, what with studying at my own pace, plopping down onto my own bed, not having a fixed time to get up etc, but ultimately I'm not even going to try kidding any of you on how tough it actually is. Having to be self motivated, to push myself, to not know where I stand against the pack but still having to take a national exam where your future depends solely if not largely on it. But as I did my quiet time that morning, God released to me His word where it says that He can do the impossible. Mark 9:23, And Jesus said (to me) all things (can be possible) to him who believes in me. It gave an ancedote of how God waited until the situation was so impossible that if anything good came out of it, everybody would know that it had to be the work of God. The point is we need to understand that when God does not move in our circumstances or when He does not move as quickly as we would like for Him to move, He may be waiting on purpose. I am still trying to figure out how this completely applies to me, because I find myself so often (nowadays) crying out to God asking why I got what I got, the whole of last year, all the various happenings, the relationships, the grades, why God, why must I have been pushed to the extreme end? Was I really that stubborn? I find it so hard to accept that me, Vanessa Koh, is actually retaking my A levels, I have yet to come to terms with it, but I know while it hurts my pride, hurts my heart deeply, I will take it within my stride, because this is how God is going to mould me, He is the potter and I'm the clay and if I want to be that perfect pottery I will have to go through that process in the furnace. The faster I learn my lesson, the shorter my period in that furnace will be. And I will claim on this verse of God and believe that when we think there is no other way out of this mess, God will prove to me how strong and wonderful He is on my behalf. As it is said in 2 Chronicles 16:9, For the eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to show Himself strong on behalf of those whose heart is loyal to Him. I am more than willing to allow God to do what he sees deem fit in my life because the fact that God could use my life for ministry is honestly a miracle in itself.

And the one which spoke to me loud and clear was on May 21, where it talks about Peace being the umpire, which instantly got me thinking about gossip girl, chuck blair, empire state building. The memories <3 But I digress. On this day, I was feeling very disturbed, I mean I have always been very disturbed. Ever since I have gotten back my A level results, not one day passes me by without me thinking about the blunders I have made, how my life is like now and how I really honestly just feel like strangling myself because I feel so utterly frustrated. Dear friends, just a sidenote, being a Christian has never promised anyone a lifetime of blissful happiness with no hardships. If that is what you are looking for in a religion then I honestly do not think any religion is for you. I am human, I can have this myriad of feelings which trashes my insides out, but ultimately I know that because I'm God's child I have this person to lean on to really depend on, to trust that He has the best plans for me. That is the difference. Ultimately which parent will not want the best for His child?  So back to how God reminded me, in this verse, it reminds us to let the peace from Christ rule in our hearts because eventually it is this peace from God which will help us decide and settle with finality all the questions that arise in our minds. And while I have not made up my mind on quite alot of issues but I'm going to keep God's words in mine and wait for the time when I will know my answer.

I was doing some thinking on my own and I must say I am very pleased that my studies are more or less on track but there are so many issues that I have yet to settle. I have so many problems I want solved, so many friendships I want to repair, so many things to do, but lack the courage. There are people I want to reach out to, there are people I want to shake awake; telling them, Look at me! Do you know how you are destroying your life? There are family members whom I just want to tell off. But most importantly there is myself I want/need to deal with. It is really my heart's desire to get all my life back on track, to being that Van who overloads herself with so many different projects, but who could still with God's strength still manage to cope. Like I have mentioned earlier, I don't understand many things that I have gone through/am going through but one thing I will hold close and I pray will come to pass soon is that everything will work itself out so long as I do things in accordance to God's will. Its difficult and I'm scared. Very scared, I am not going to put on a facade and tell you how strong I am, yes I got stronger, alot stronger, but I am still filled with so much fear that I may fail again. That I will not meet up to society's standards, not meet up to my own standards, to my parents' standards, to disappoint them and myself once again. I can't afford that. My parents are no longer young, I shouldn't be creating additional burdens. I just need to be disciplined, I just need to be focused, to cast my burdens on God, to study hard and to trust God and I know that whatever it is, this time, it will be the final result and it will be good.



Other happenings in my life :D

• I'm econsphobic. Need to get down to actually writing out the essays. Breakthrough for Econs please!! I really need it.
• I'm growing up and I don't know if this is too fast but I need some things to slow down.
• I miss Low Li Huan, thank God for whatsapp (:
• Von came over to mine for a stayover, we talked nearly through the night <3 Enjoyed it tremendously. Haha.
• 2 articles have been written by yours truly. Both on politics (: Proud of myself :D
• OH, did I mention, the parentals are leaving this weekend ;) Again :) 

Wake up look me in the eyes again