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Last blogged @ 11:57 PM  Its quite painful not being able to trust you as before, its quite terrible having to avoid you. Mutual friends are going to realise. Oh wait, most of them are just for me to not mix with you considering what you have done to them and me but what if its all a misunderstanding? SO DEAR GOD WHAT DO I DO. I CANT POSSIBLY CARRY ON LIKE THAT ANYMORE. HELP ME PLEASE. You know what, I really did try. But its hard. Especially when I start to think of the possible reasons behind your actions. And then sometimes I find myself kinda like a hypocrite because like I try to be nice to you but I really don't feel like it and especially so when I'm not one who does things out of obligations. 22 more days to leaving everything behind (: Last blogged @ 8:05 PM      CEDAR CELL FTW! I MISS YOU GIRLS <3<3<3 Last blogged @ 7:09 PM  OH YES(: Alright! (: So I know when I'm going off to and when! Haha. What a great improvement from previous years when its just a 'oh. btw we're going on hol tomorrow' and they wizz us off to Spain or some faraway land! The only thing is, we are going to Brisbane again! Haha. Like for the umpteenth time! But Yay! There's sun so maybe getting tanned will materialise and I can have a perfect reason to buy sun dresses <3<3<3 This morning was pretty crazy. Something like a sad morning! But I guess I won't think about it till it happens! Maybe you shouldn't think too much about it too (: And I'm pretty surprise you want to come up with a list of things to do! You make it sound as if we're never going to be able to talk or meet up when THAT happens. But yay you! Let's just carry it out (: Nevertheless its true, appreciate the people you have around you! <3 These few days I have been troubled by one thing, You. You know how it has been in church where they talk about authenticity in community. I find it so hard to be authentic with you anymore. I mean I know you were there for me when I needed you the most and that I am grateful for. What I dont get is why you are behaving like that now. Doing things behind my back, tyring to steal my friends. I mean whats the point. The whole problem lies in the 'so what can i do with you'. Well, I tried to be really mean to you, as if that worked! Made me feel so damn guilty about myself I decided to boycott the whole ignore you plan. But you did it again. And it makes me feel so stupid. So what exactly is this whole thing about authenticity. Authenticity at the expanse of getting hurt? Is it all worth it? I dont know. I know its true about the whole selective authenticity thing, but selective authenticity is that not by itself contradictory? I dont know how to tell you this but maybe you should just reflect on your actions and intentions to see why everything is happening to you the way it is. I know by not listening to close friends who matter about this whole thing might get me into trouble but somehow most of the things they say would be what they as individuals would do, but things I wont do. Sometimes I wish I had less of a conscience and that getting back at people would be the more important thing. But then again I think I prefer myself being kinder and nicer to people. I just don't like being taken advantage, exploited and being thought upon as if I can't tell what's happening and maybe you should realise it too. Dear Lord, give me the strength to be the person you want me to be. Give me the wisdom to know how to treat this 'i guess i still have to call friend' girl. I know my initial reactions towards her are always unbecoming as a christian because its usually directed towards the direction of anger. But i really don't want that to be the case. I'm just so confused with all the contradictory opinions I'm given. And Lord you know, I really thought her as someone I could be really close to because we are from the same _____. But after these, I doubt its the case anymore. You know whats worse Lord, everybody else can see it, but they have only started telling me now and to top things off, a very good friend of mine is like kinda in her clutches. This is terrible Lord, please help me! I really do not know what else to do, say or think. I hate having to always go through this. Thank you Lord, Amen! Last blogged @ 5:48 PM  OKAY! Today was really fun! Yayayayayayay! I finally got to go for a medium, okay, quite long bus ride! Yay! Hahaha. You can like totally sense my happiness right. I think many people don't get why its so fascinating to take long journeys. But I guess it just makes me feel so peaceful. Especially when I'm in no hurry to go anywhere I will have the liberty of time to just wander. I think I can be a very successful nomad! Haha. But hmmm, I think its just gives off a really tranquilizing feel. To watch everything pass by whilst talking to your friend is just what I find most relaxing! Hahaha. Thanks friend for doing it even though you were tired. PIG. Hahaha. Fruit loops are good, but fruity pebbles are the best! <3 Last blogged @ 11:33 PM  Today was really awesome. OH BTW, I'M REALLY TANNED (: haha. Okay NOT REALLY. But quite. Haha. Anyway, you get the idea! Met the dinosaur after netball and we went on a scavenger hunt for food (I WAS REALLY GOING TO DIE OF HUNGER). Ate fro you <3 haha. and we really wanted to go ice skating but my mummy gave me this ultimatum and I decided otherwise. Haha. Today's really fun <3<3<3 Last blogged @ 8:11 PM  You ask me if I love you And I choke on my reply Id rather hurt you honestly Than mislead you with a lie And who am I to judge you In what you say or do Im only just beginning To see the real you And sometimes when we touch The honestys too much And I have to close my eyes and hide I want to hold you till I die Till we both break down and cry I want to hold you till the fear in me subsides Romance and all its strategy Leaves me battling with my pride But through all the insecurity Some tenderness survives Im just another writer Still trapped within my truth A hesitant prize fighter Still trapped within my youth And sometimes when we touch The honestys too much And I have to close my eyes and hide I want to hold you till I die Till we both break down and cry I want to hold you till the fear in me subsides At times Id like to break you And drive you to your knees At times Id like to break through And hold you endlessly At times I understand you And I know how hard you try I watched while love commands you And Ive watched love pass you by At times I think were drifters Still searching for a friend A brother or a sister But then the passion flares again And sometimes when we touch The honestys too much And I have to close my eyes and hide I want to hold ya till I die Till we both break down and cry I want to hold you till the fear in me subsides Subsides and that day will be soon! Last blogged @ 7:24 PM sometimes despite what i tell myself i get so super ******s! VAN STOP IT! yes i know right, i made it clear i didn't want it either. so what am i doing now then. okay, van stop having this monologue. OH AWESOME, I THINK I'M BECOMING WEIRD. Last blogged @ 5:41 PM  this week started off pretty badly. made some decisions which i thought were to be for the better but apparently not so. left me rather unhappy. but yay! its all okay now. so i guess its not too bad. after a span of like one month plus, i finally got down to talking to you. it was obviously weird and all that in the beginning, but at least we got somewhere (: well, what can i say! i'm just really happy (: i know that there are certain things i would really want now, and no dearies i'm not talking about materialistic wants (: but anyway, back to what i was saying, i think i can see it all pretty clearly now, i know what i want, but i dont think know its not the time yet. i've got other things to chase after! like the dreams i have, things i want to pursue (: and ofc i have to count my blessings for having such awesome friends. i guess i have alot to thank the Lord for already.
er. hi. Last blogged @ 3:59 PM HELLO!
this is not vanessa. she is lying motionless on her bed now. woops. i swear i have no idea what happened to her. maybe i killed her... did i? NAH... she just stirred. mumbled something about running after pooh bears in her sleep. hmmmmmmmm. okay. now to wear gloves, to clean off the keyboard and every other surface so i do not leave my fingerprints. the cops will never find meeeeee!!!!! -her friend p.s. hard candy is FREAKYYYYYYYYY FUNNYYYYYYY TTM Last blogged @ 8:10 PM  i think this has been really terrible. i hope this episode blows over really quickly. i just feel that everything has been really strange this week. we haven't even be communicating properly. but maybe, its for the better?i just wonder what this is all about. you know, why keep me beside you? why do that when you want something else? i just question my position on this whole thing. is it just emotional attachment? you know, i really don't want you to feel obligated to have to do certain things for me. it makes me feel so irritated and unwanted. its not like you don't know me, if you really want to do something for me, do it because you want to not because you have to. not that i'm saying you have been doing out of obligation, but if you have, i rather you not. i can jolly well do things myself. i don't need to be dependent on you or anybody else for that matter. or maybe its just me being all confused. again. OH WELL. at least i'm done ranting! (: Last blogged @ 11:22 PM  i want you, you and you. oh a better brain and self discipline wouldn't hurt either. to add to all that, some extra cash perhaps? haha. i cant wait for xmas and prezzies that come along with it. yes, i know, xmas isn't all abt prezzies! (: Last blogged @ 8:24 PM  today was a really fun day! haha. spent majority of the time with just about the two bestest people in school! eun hun, and sam (: hahaha. love them much <3 had this make believe adventure with eun and we went around parkway on this quest to find something that would make her whiter! (: hahaha. but obviously nothing really worked right. haha. but the fun was in the slathering of cream, glittery poweder and loads more stuff onto each other. hahaha <3 yay! i really enjoyed myself. we need a trio outing again sooon! haha. its like dejavu all over again. i dont really want it to happen. i hope they arent right. i dont think i can afford treading the wrong path. not at this time. but will it ever be too late? will we have it at the same timings. ever. Last blogged @ 5:38 PM  GOING OUT + FROYO = AWESOME DAY I can't wait! Byee dearies, got to go prepare <3<3<3 AND, REMEMBER TO TUNE IN TO http://zeevonshow.blogspot.com HEAR THE AWESOME DEEJAY ROAR. *i would prefer if you don't keep me out of your blog. Last blogged @ 1:20 PM  So to both of you, lets take a plunge in this (: I'm ready, are you? Last blogged @ 12:53 AM VISIT http://zeevonshow.blogspot.com and be entertained. Seriously, the deejay is H I L A R I O U S. but then again because this deejay is in hot demand she's not on 24/7. so i guess tune in at night (: haha.
Last blogged @ 12:41 AM  Studied in the morning. It was quite a failure. Haha. But at least I kinda know what I'm going to study already (: So. Yay! Haha. Choo. You don't know how to play B-I-N-G-O. Hahahaha. Super funny luh haha. Church in the afternoon. MLCLM was well not that bad. ( i think i added in one too many l's) haha. but then again I dont think so, megalife cell leader's meeting. haha. okay, yupp, seems correct. hahaha. Anyway, dependence on God. That was today's message. It was really difficult for me to accept it. Especially when all these things are happening to me now. But I guess there might have been some breakthrough? Chains were indeed broken. I just know that it feels better to be on the right track. AND WHO IN THE WORLD IS POTATO? hahaha. Last blogged @ 11:08 PM  Had a really good down to earth HTHT today (: Thanks for like taking time off to meet me despite your hectic uni life. LOVE YOU! (: I guess today has really set my thoughts straight, allowed me to see things in perspective. Allowed me to get many many things off my chest. I feel at ease with myself. I guess breaking down earlier this week really made realise what was going wrong. And, I'm thankful for everyone around me (: Now, back to clearing my table, which has literally gotten me three weeks to get down to doing it. Haha. Oh oh, I don't want to grow up! What if I don't get a good enough job and can't live the way I'm living now. What if I never get married! OH NO TWIN ): Growing up is such a hassle. If anyone know where Peter Pan is, please let me know. SOS. Last blogged @ 10:05 PM  I just want to have a normal friendship with you. Its kinda horrid not to be able to talk to you like how I do with other people just because of what certain people say. Oh Well! What can I do right? Thank God for FOO SIYUN (: She wanted to have it in the LT, but I think if we did, I would have like died in there or smth. I think the past few days activites have finally caught up with me, turning me into some sick sad girl. Hahaha. Aparently not that sad. I like being busy, prevents me from dwelling too much over stuff. VIC and KIM CHAN are officially the worst people on earth! I bet you both just enjoyed making me squirm right. Horrible! Hahaha. But I love you both still! <3 Hahaha. The past few days were crazy, painting boards and all the kind of stuff we used to do in Cedar <3 Missed it so much! Doing it with Yvonne and Joy really brought back memories, memories worth remembering and keeping (: YVONNE, I'M STILL FLUORESCENT ORANGE, SILVER AND GLITTERY. I FEEL LIKE A FAIRY! It has been a rather great week! I'm a happy girl (: Thank You God, for making this a better week. Thank You for the things I've gained through all the crap I've gone through. Thank You for the friends who have showed they really cared. Thank You for making me realize how far I've drifted away and pulling me back in just in time. Thank You for everything you have done for me. I love you! <3 Last blogged @ 11:12 PM  i'm hurting so badly its not even funny Last blogged @ 4:18 PM  sometimes i really don't know what i'm doing. so like i really hoped i could forget about all of it. do what i do best. run away from it. i'm such a coward am i not. thought you would never blog about what had happened, but you did. and it kinda sent everything crashing down. cried again. i feel like a damn baby. i hate it when i do that, but you mean so much to me. the last time i messaged you it was because i missed you. but the way you replied, it was just so cold and distant, i thought maybe i shouldn't even try anymore. i need you now you know? there's like alot of stuff happening in my life, i can't handle it alone. i told you i need to tell you stuff but you just appeared so disinterested and stuff, i'm questioning is this friendship worth chasing after? i need to know what you think on alot of things. i can't just decide these stuff on my own. you know how i am. i miss you. i miss us. |
♥Vanessa Koh♥ Gongshang Primary School Cedar Girls' Secondary School Victoria Junior College Arts Singapore Management University ♥ Archives
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