I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing

This feeling is horrid. I feel like an incompetent loser! A blob! I feel as if I'm constantly being judged for not doing well enough. I feel that I'm being looked down upon. I know I asked for it, and in that sense, I deserve getting all these judgmental stares. But for goodness sake, please stop asking me 'so what are you doing now', it's like my self confidence has just declined all the way to the negatives. I know I keep telling myself to be strong. Stay strong, trust God and all will be alright. But it is so freaking difficult to do that. I don't know. Its just this fear of even trying. I don't know what in the world's going on with me. Just please stop asking me 'What are you doing now,' because I can't answer that question. Van, you're so screwed up. Seriously. Hate it that all my friends are moving on, local unis, overseas unis, private unis; hate myself even more for hating that. How selfish and evil can that be. UGH. Don't get me wrong. I am happy for my friends who have done so well, getting into the courses they want, etc, I am genuinely happy for them. Even as I try to express myself, there's this internal conflict. Like I'm happy for them but I'm just filled with such dread? I really don't know what's going on with me. But at the same time, I hate it that I'm not there. I don't want to be left behind. It is this feeling of dread and unwantedness. I hate failing. And I really despise whatever I'm going through now. I know I should be really grateful for all the support my friends are giving me. Shernice, Vonnie, Vic, Kaur, Kim Chia, B, Suxin, J, and the list goes on but something's missing. I can't place a finger on it. Oh and another thing, I really hate myself for destroying our friendship. Really wished we were still friends. Gym all these unhappy thoughts away. God help me please send me someone to just be there for me, to get through this with me. Get rid of my selfish thoughts and help me be more edifying.