Okay so I thought it was all going to be beautiful and that maybe just finally what we had expected might have the chance of happening. I kind of feel like a fool now. And I just feel as though I have been brought on this spin. I nearly let you be in control of my feelings, but I guess I'm glad I didn't. I think whatever that has been happening these few months will finally come to a standstill. You said something but I guess you just say that to everybody you meet along the way? Perhaps. You won't ever imagine how I can ever feel. Its a mixture of disbelief, regret, sadness and pain. I really thought we was all going to be pretty cool but I guess I just had to push it. Push you to see for myself what you were really like. I wanted to believe, but somehow I knew that if I didn't do this, I would regret it in the near future. And my near future means A's. I can't afford to regret during the year of my A's. I guess I'm disappointed, to say the least. But do I even have that right to be disappointed? I guess I do.

I remembered quite a few months back how everything sank when you told me that you _____. Do you know how hard it was to push myself away because you had that thing going on and I didn't want anything to hinder you from getting ___. I thought I could be magnanimous and watch as it unfolded infront of me. Then after so many freaking months just as I finally tried reasoning myself away from you you had to come right back and not just right back but throw me into this land of fairies and very beautiful words. You said you cared alot and that you loved me. But do you really care? Have you ever spared a real real thought for me? Even if it were like what you said just before I left, if you thought it was just another ***sh you were having on me, why use such real words on me? Its like I really thought. Oh, I don't know. Maybe it was just my wishful thinking. Actually not maybe, I know now it is.

Suddenly, I fear that everything you said to me wasn't ever for me and that I just so happened to be conveniently placed there you just had too much emotions in you for somebody else and you had to get it out so it just got let out on me. In the beginning I told myself it was just sweet talk, but it was you and I got myself blinded so quickly. It hurts me to say this because I really believed some of the things you said and that kept me really happy. I think you're right, I'm so silly.

Vic is so going to hit my last brain cell out.

I don't know if I should feel cheated. Because like we were never into anything. But I do. I feel like I have been toyed and that is not a nice feeling at all. Maybe what I'm supposed to do is to really get over you and to start 2010 away from you. Tell me if its true cos I don't think I want to.

Dear God,
You know how it hurts for me to have understood this. Actually I still don't. I told you to give me a way to tell me. Was it this way? Why did you have to be so harsh about it. Was there no other way? But why is it that you never did tell me earlier on. Or was I just not listening. But I don't think so Lord. Its like you have given this friendship so much beauty and wholesome love. I don't know how to feel or think any longer. Dear Lord, I really don't know how to play this anymore. Its not even a game because I care too much. I should just stop caring so much right? Maybe its just me. I just can't freaking let go. Lord, if its your will, teach me to let go, tell me how I should go about handling this. You know I need you. I really do. It hurts and I'm tired of pretending it never did. I love you Lord. I really do. I'm hurting real badly, and I need you to heal that hurt.
Amen,
Van.

I can't believe the thing I did because of you. I don't think I would ever tell you what it was. But to that person, I'm sorry. I really am but I couldn't deceive myself. It would have been worse off.

I'm sure when you read this you will know I'm talking about you and most of that shouldn't come as a surprise to you.

I've taken like 2 hours to type this. I feel exhausted. Both my girl bestfriends are feeling terrible too. Its going to be a long day today.

Because its you I believe you never did have the real intention of hurting me. You just don't know it. But you've been one of the reasons I cried so much this year. If you don't care, please let go of me.